Darkness

HE LOVES ME!!!!!!

2009-04-16T16:18:00-07:00

Guess what i found out today? that God really loves me!! sounds strange doesn't it? well it's true.... i have spent so much time making sure that he knows that i love him, and trying so hard to please him(which is what we must all do) that i forgot that he loves me too.....what i mean is all my life i have had to have people validate me, make me feel special, all the while trying to make people love me(comes from abuse and rejection)....as a result of that i have low self-esteem, trust issues and a lack of confidence.....you see, when God loves you there is a sense of completeness and wholeness.... you don't need validation or someone to make you feel special,God does that all on his own..... i am in the process of a spiritual cleansing you know,and i am allowing God to empty me of all of my imperfections.....this is something that i would rather not do cause it hurts so bad, but in order for the darkness to disappear i must remove the pain of my past....

LOVE CONSISTS IN THIS: NOT THAT WE LOVED GOD, BUT THAT HE LOVED US AND SENT HIS SON TO BE THE PROPITIATION FOR OUR SINS.....1john 4:10

Just Like You

2009-04-14T20:13:00-07:00

well i finally did it! i went to see the psychologist today....was i afraid? yes! did i feel like i didn't belong? yes! not that i am no better than anybodyelse i just let my pride get in the way...then i began to look around and found out that i did belong...i found out that just because you see a psychologist it doesn't mean that you are crazy, it just means that life has tried to get the best of you and you just simply need to let it out, you know, talk about it......PAIN that's my life story...soon as i began talking about my life...nothing but pain..but it's good for me, i think that it's time for me to live a life of wholeness and completeness...yes i think it's time now....

CAN THESE DRY BONES LIVE? I REPLIED, "LORD GOD ONLY YOU KNOW".......ezekiel 37:3

His Plan

2009-04-09T19:33:00-07:00

another sleepless night, dealing with the hot flashes,tossn and turning, mind racing, crying out why me....it has been days since i have had a goodnight'ts sleep but somehow i just seem to get up and do it all over again. don't be mistaken, it's hard for me to start my day (some days are a little better than others), but with the grace of God i make it.....you see i am a wife and a mother, so there is no time for sorting out thoughts and feelings or trying to clear my head, everything just comes crashing down at once....but i am learning balance, whats good for me and what isn't. it's hard coping with everyday life but i have learned to trust God with my whole heart....sometimes i just get so angry and wonder why this is happening to me, and then i remember that God has a plan for my life and this is just a bump in the road.......

"FOR I KNOW THE PLANS THAT I HAVE FOR YOU", SAITH THE LORD. "PLANS FOR YOUR WELFARE, NOT FOR DISASTER, TO GIVE YOU A FUTURE AND A HOPE....Jeremiah 29:11 (illustrated study bible)

THE DARK CLOUD

2009-04-03T16:45:00-07:00

there's this dark cloud just hanging over my head

there's this feeling inside almost as if i was dead

i'm numb i'm life less i'm empty inside

i'm running from darkness but there's nowhere to hide

what did i do to deserve this?

was my life really that bad?

i know you pay for your mistakes

but does it have to end this sad?

if i don't fight then darkness will win

and if i don't win then this will be the end

the end of my life, my future, my beginning

darkness is a serious thing are you getting the messege i'm sending?

don't worry about me, i have decided not to fight this fight

you see, i gave it over to Jesus, and he'll make things alright

this is my life, my story you see

how darkness crept in and almost shattered me.....

THE LORD IS MY LIGHT AND MY SALVATION WHOM SHALL I FEAR.THE LORD IS THE STRENGHT OF MY LIFE OF WHOM SHALL I BE AFRAID.......psalms 27:1

THE PAIN OF A SMILE

2009-03-30T01:45:00-07:00

I can remember laughing, telling jokes, and being the life of the party. Not anymore....there's really not anything to laugh about. I spend most of my time crying for absoultley no reason at all. darkness does that you know. Oh sure when the phone rings or company comes by I put on my smiley face but soon as the door closes or the phone hangs up, i'm right back where i started (sometimes I don't even answer my phone). But at that moment i have to realize that this thing can't beat me! i didn't come this far to turn back now....I can't let what hurt me yesterday determine my mood for today. I have to push on, wipe away the tears and thank God for another day!!!

I WILL BLESS THE LORD AT ALL TIMES AND HIS PRAISES SHALL CONTINUALLY BE IN MY MOUTH.....psalms 34:1

Depression? It doesn't even deserve a name!

2009-03-26T22:12:00-07:00

I use to ask myself why me? Now I say to myself why not me......My mind use to be very sharp, I wouldn't forget a thing.I didn't use to take things personal now i am super sensitive. What has happened to that bright, intelligent,super smart,always could fix a problem,happy go lucky girl that I use to be? Darkness that's what happened...I dare not call it by name it doesn't even deserve a name. Why? because it has taken from me,dismantled me,almost destroyed me. I have mood swings,hotflashes,anxiety attacks,foggy memory,no sexual desire, just to name a few. Yes I did it! it's out in the open now, it is no longer a secret or an embarrassment to me.The weight is slowly lifting off my chest because I have learned to except that this is only a test of my faith and that God won't put no more on me than i can bare. So you see I must share my story because someone out there needs to know that they are not alone I'm here and yes i will survive......until next time God Bless

Thou will keep him in perfect peace who's mind is stayed on thee......Isaiah 26:3

2009-03-26T00:49:00-07:00

DARKNESS

2009-03-24T23:43:00-07:00

Have you ever been in a situation and it seemed like it was going to take forever for that thing to go away? Have you ever had an illness that was curable but you have never recovered from it? well at least not yet. Well this is me. I call this disease darkness because it has almost shatered me, destroyed my marriage and almost made me lose my mind. This darkness is called depression. This has been my battle for 3yrs now, and I have decided that it will not kill me nor will it destroy me. This is an open book, this is my life. I have decided to share it because there are so many people out there that has this same disease and are afraid to talk about it. The next blog will begin my journey with this disease, so if you are interested in hearing my story please stay tuned. This is truly for those that suffer from depression or knows someone who is dealing with depression.

My prayer for you is that you be healed thru the blood of Jesus Christ! And may you prosper even as your soul prospers!!!!